I’ve only written three posts on this blog, but have managed to squeeze in multiple jokes at Nashville‘s expense, so it’s clear I have a love/hate relationship with the ABC drama. I am a card-carrying member of the Church of Connie Britton (aka Our Lady of the Auburn Coif) and have been watching Nashville every week, without fail, since its Fall 2012 premiere. In my defense, the show started out promising, but devolved into sappy soap opera nonsense sometime early in its second season, after the first of what would come to be multiple coma plots. These days I spend most of every Nashville hour yelling at the TV, rolling my eyes, wishing for characters to die just so that I don’t have to look at their stupid pouty faces for one more g*ddamn minute. Considering how over-committed I am on weekly TV, you’d think I would abandon a show that clearly isn’t giving me joy, but I don’t see myself ditching Nashville until ABC makes me (via cancellation). Whether this is because the show has crossed into favorite-show-I-love-to-hate territory or because I continue to hold out hope that the writers will stop wasting Connie Britton and Hayden Pannettiere’s considerable talents, it looks like I’m in it for the long haul.
That doesn’t mean I can’t have fun with it. Nashville‘s story lines are so soapy and trite that they have become predictable. Did I mention multiple coma plots? Thus, at the genius suggestion of a friend of mine (and fellow Nashville fan/masochist) I will now blog weekly predictions before episodes air on Wednesdays at 9 pm. I’m still working out the details, but I think one of the rules will be that I’m not allowed to watch any trailers or promotional materials, because ABC teasers leave little to the imagination.
For brevity’s sake, I’m going to write this as if readers are following the show. For those unfamiliar with the series (and somehow not compelled to watch it by the glowing review I’ve just given) click on names for character details.
Oh, and if you care about such things: SPOILER ALERT
- Teenage nightmare Maddie Conrad, who is the absolute worst, was completely absent for last weeks episode so I’m afraid we’ll have to see a lot of her tonight. No clue whether the episode will focus more on her T-Swift aspirations or if we’ll be forced to suffer through repercussions from when she lost her virginity a few weeks ago (Ed note: I’m still pissed about that plot. I did not need to be there for that pivotal moment in her life. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HER THAT MUCH). Either way, there’s a pretty good chance the following things will take place:
- Maddie will tell Rayna, her mother, that she just doesn’t understand her and possibly accuse her of not loving her enough.
- This may cause tension between Rayna and Maddie’s father Deacon, although if they fight it won’t be the slightest bit interesting or carry any real emotional weight.
- Maddie will make a rash decision involving the internet, like a public twitter account or music video release that her mother specifically forbade her from doing. I suspect it will be far more scandelous that that, however. I wouldn’t go so far as a sex tape, but there may be a video of her smoking pot or drinking. We are definitely due for a Maddie drinking episode. God save us all.
- The writers will continue to push Scarlett and Gunnar as star-crossed lovers as they embark on a national tour for their band The Exes. I don’t care much about either of them at his point, and have almost stopped enjoying their musical duets, which were one of the highlights of the first season. Still, they might make a good match as they are equal in their terribleness. I don’t think they will consummate the relationship tonight (the writers will drag on this tedious will-they-or-won’t-they for much longer), but here are my predictions:
- Scarlett will pretend to not care that Gunner hired the sound engineer he’s been sleeping with, but she will make pouty faces in their direction and be extra bitchy/whiny.
- Scarlett’s live-in doctor boyfriend will continue to say really stupid things like “May The Exes future be as bright as your smile.” I will pray he’s driven to insanity so he can kill Scarlett and then himself.
- Gunner will sleep with the sound engineer at least once, maybe twice, but we will be continually reminded that they are not a good fit because he is to sensitive to engage in casual sex.
- Juliette Barnes is officially in rehab, which is both good for the character and for my ability to enjoy the show. Hayden Paniettere has been given a pretty empty story line this season (a downward spiral into drug and alcohol addiction in five episodes or less? Never seen that on TV before!), but the show could turn it around with some emotionally honest scenes, especially if they play up how disappointed Juliette will be to have turned out exactly like her mother. It probably won’t go down like this, it will be much, much dumber. Other predictions:
- I will have to hear the name of Juliette’s daughter, Cadence, and I will be sad because that is not a name, it is a style of speech.
- I feel like Avery is not going to find out Juliette is in rehab this episode. He will continue to move forward with the divorce under the assumption that she has abandoned him and their daughter-who-shall-not-be-named. Writers will use this as yet another will-they-or-won’t-they scenario.
- Layla Grant will still be sad about Jeff Fordham‘s death, and she will continue to feel like she is invisible. I will continue to forget her name and refer to her as “you know, that girl” when gabbing about the show tomorrow with friends and coworkers. I’m hoping for some more tender moments of friendship between her and her ex-husband/now-gusband Will Lexington, because that has actually turned into one of the only interesting relationships on the show.
- As Deacon establishes a bar/music venue in her name, we will have to hear more about how wonderful his dead sister Beverly was, even though we’ve been watching her for several seasons and know for a fact that she was as intolerable as her daughter Scarlett.
- The writers will continue to try and make me interested in Luke’s relationship with his publicist, but I will not give AF.
Okay, that’s all I have for now. Catch the show tonight on ABC at 9 CST to see how I did!